Nineteen Things I’ve Learned About It

I offer you my life’s wisdom, condensed into 19 axioms about It, for your contemplation and amusement.

1. If it feels good to do – somebody does it.

2. If they’ve been doing it and break a promise not to do it again – they’ll never stop.

3. If they accuse you of doing it, and you’ve never done it, they’re the ones doing it.

4. If you have to lie about it, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.

5. If both of you do it – you’ll do it more often.

6. The more eager you are for them to be doing it, the less they’ll want to.

7. If you resist doing it -they’ll want you to do it even more.

8. If you resist too much, they’ll find another to do it, or do it themselves.

9. If you each do it and never talk about it, then you both know the other is doing it.

10. If they say they didn’t do it, and you didn’t ask if they did, they’re doing it.

11. If a lot are doing it, and nobody’s talking about it -it’s probably really Fucking good.

12. If they tell you it’s really good, but they’re not doing it – probably really Fucking bad.

13, If doing it is bad for you, it probably feels good to do.

14, If your mother wants you to do it, how good could it feel?

15. If your mother forbids you from doing it – she hasn’t done it.

16. If your mother suggests you don’t do it – she’s tried it.

17. If your mother pretends not to know you’re doing it – she still does it.

18. If you make them stop doing it, they’ll never let you do it.

19. If doing it worked once, it will work again


My Birthday – All the Details

We could talk about what was motivating my behavior on my birthday; fear of aging, need for attention – it’s all probably there. There were a few things front of mind that compelled me to be a little riskier than normal. One was that my co-worker’s friend, Sheri, and I had a connection and had some sexual chemistry, but she was married – I needed to channel that energy. Another thing was that I was due back in the office very soon – after a year of freedom, I had just a few days left before I had to return – it felt like a prison sentence was approaching.

Thank you to those who read the original post about my birthday.

If you haven’t read it yet, I recommend reading the first post before this one (for context):

A few people expressed interest in hearing more of the story, so in this post, I’ll fill in the details and give a few updates on what has happened in the few months since.

Starting from the point right before I removed my clothing.

I didn’t care whether the girls believed I had the nerve to pose nude. I think we all knew the issue was a pretense to spice up the conversation by talking about nudity. I don’t think anyone expected the discussion to translate into actual nudity, but It seemed everyone was appreciating a slightly naughtier direction for our conversation.

We returned from my art room and congregated around my kitchen island where the discussion about nude art and nude posing continued.

I felt relaxed – my guests seemed to be having fun talking about this stuff – their attitudes helped further subdue my inhibitions – just enough.

That’s when my co-worker Alex (Alexandra) asked if I’d have the guts to do it now (pose nude at my age she meant.) I told her, “for sure” if anyone wanted to draw me. Skeptical, she asked (theoretically) if I’d pose nude for her friend (artist) Sheri. It was just a flirty challenge to my claim of being so chill about the nudity thing. For no good reason other than to one-up her in shock value, I answered her question and said that the friend Sheri could use my supplies and draw me right then and there if she wanted to.

“What do you think, you feel like doing some drawing Sheri?” Alex asked (amused but not really buying it.)

“I’ve had too much vino,” Sheri answered.

“I think he’s bluffing anyway,” Alex said.

“You doubt me?” I asked. “I would.”

“Okay, if you say so,” Alex said.

Soon after, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I went to my master bath instead of the one by the kitchen. Walking out of my bathroom, in a moment of spontaneous insight, I realized that the situation had unfolded into a reason to get naked when a half-hour before such an option would have seemed impossible.

I didn’t give it much more thought – I just figured it wouldn’t look entirely creepy if I got naked, because I did have a reason – it wouldn’t be like I did so completely at random. So I left my clothes on my bed, except for my socks – I don’t know why I left them on – it wasn’t like the socks were going to make things any less crazy. I made a last-minute decision to grab a towel that I wrapped around my waist.

-- Here goes nothing --

When I returned to the kitchen, the two girls were looking at a collage of photos pinned up on the wall behind my counter. I stood back behind them, at the spot where I had been standing before I left, and we talked about the photos for a few moments before they looked back around and noticed me.

“Look at you, are you going swimming?” Alex said.

“No, just proving that I would have posed for Sheri,” I said.

“You’ve got swim trunks or something on under there, right?” Alex asked.

I pulled the towel off and set it on the swivel stool behind me. And there it was, I was naked in my socks, facing them.

I took a sip of my gin as we all absorbed the moment.

“As you can see I’ll do it, I can get you something to sketch with?” I said to Sheri (keeping alive our pretext) ” or, whenever if you’re interested.”

“I might just take you up on that,” Sheri said. “Not right now.”

My coworker Alex chimes in, and says, “I’ve been thinking about taking up drawing.”

“I bet you have,” friend Sheri said.

Something about my co-worker saying that got my attention – I started to notice more about her.

So a co-worker and her married friend had seen the jewelry, and my point had been made; one might expect me to get dressed at that point, but I didn’t. it was so strange. I was enjoying being seen, and I guess they weren’t offended? Whatever it was, nobody said anything that suggested I should get dressed right away. It probably sounds overly obvious, to emphasize how strange (awesome strange) the situation was; yes, I know getting naked in front of a co-worker and her married friend who I’d just met earlier that night is strange, as an act. But it’s the feeling of it that I am trying to describe; the feeling of the three of us, oddly, being so much okay with the moment that we didn’t bother to pretend like we weren’t perfectly fine with it. I have since learned some of what they were thinking, but when it was happening I only knew that they weren’t signaling that I should stop and reverse course. I think it helped that I volunteered it all – they didn’t have to feel responsible for getting us there nor embarrassment between each other – neither had done anything imprudent.

I excused myself to go make a drink. When I returned my co-worker cut to the chase – I guess she wanted no more of us acting as if I wasn’t among them naked.

“I can only imagine what the art students were thinking,” Alex said.

I was pretty sure what she was implying, but she immediately added some clarification.

Alex continued, hesitantly. “I bet the students were shocked I mean.”

“The models they had in my class weren’t very shocking,” friend Sheri said.

“What if you had gotten an untimely erection, were you worried that might happen?” my co-worker asked.

“Sort of,” I said. “nowadays I can control it.

“You can control getting an erection, or, I mean, not getting on?” Alex asked.

“Yes, both. I can get one or not get one,” I said, “either way.”

“Well, that sounds talented,” Alex said.

“Not bragging,” I said. “Just a thing.”

She might have wanted to inquire further and I think she wanted to look down at me because she appeared to be trying hard not to; however, she held on to the rest of her questions. The friend didn’t dare inquire further either, but she tried to say something encouraging – sort of out of the blue – I think she had been in her head and not paying full attention to what Alex and I were talking about.

“I’m thinking they must have had a larger budget for models at your college,”

“Well thank you, if that was a compliment?” I said.

“Definitely a compliment,” Sheri said, then shyly looked to Alex for help. “I don’t think I’ve had enough wine for this.”

“You? I work with him for fuck’s sake,” Alex said.

“Sorry,” I said.

“No you’re fine,” Sheri said.

“I don’t think she’s seen another naked man in a while,” Alex said.

“Shut up Alex,” Sheri said. “You’re not lyin’, but”

“And this is not exactly your ‘ease into the waters’ situation,” Alex continued, laughing harder.

“You think?” Sheri replied – I think she didn’t know what to say.

I was still standing there naked and STILL, nobody had mentioned or even hinted that I should get dressed. It was getting weirder the longer they avoided it – enjoyable weird, I guess that’s why I didn’t just get dressed so it wouldn’t get more so. I would have gotten dressed immediately had they given me as much as a look that indicated that I’d been naked long enough.

“Anyway,” I said to Sheri. “I’m sure you can find someone better and younger to draw, but now you know I’ll do it if you want.”

“Thanks, I totally would like to, that is very kind of you,” Sheri said. “And you are the only one who’s offered, so.”

“Great, I’m the last resort,” I said – (just being a dick).

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I cut her off. “I’m teasing,” I said, “I’d be honored.”

“Duncan, be nice to my friend,” Alex said.

“I’m sorry. She’s great, I’m just teasing,” I said. Then Alex continued to tease Sheri too.

“Well there you go, you have your own model to draw now,” Alex said to Sheri. “Do you think you’ll use your large sketch pad?” Alex said, cracking herself up.

“Alex!” Sheri complained, then said to me, “so obnoxious.”

We talked for a few minutes about other stuff, my kitchen, Sheri’s classes, the band earlier in the evening. It was at this point that my nudity started to feel a bit gratuitous (you think?) – especially since the conversation moved to topics completely unrelated. I grabbed my towel and wrapped it back around my waist.

Seeing me put my towel back on must have triggered Alex to focus back on our earlier conversation. She interrupted our discussion about a bamboo plant I’ve been struggling to keep alive.

“So, you all think you will do a drawing session then?” Alex asked us. “That’s so cool.”

“If she wants,” I replied. “You have my number,” I said to Sheri.

“I’ll text you,” Sheri said. It might be a few weeks before I can do it. If you have second thoughts, I won’t hold you to it, I know we’re all drinking.”

— I can’t believe i JUST SAID THAT —

(And then I said something obnoxious and drunken, it just came out – one of those statements that you watch come out of your mouth and wonder, “where the fuck did that come from?”)

“Cool, whenever works for you,” I replied to Sheri. “I won’t change my mind. I’m not exactly in my prime, but I’m willing. I can pose for you hard if you would like to draw me that way too,” I said.

Alex was amused, I mean “losing her shit” amused. I was shocked too after realizing I said it, and the look on Sheri’s face – she didn’t know what the hell to say.

There was a moment of confusion. I think we all were double-checking what we heard. I realized that Sheri had no possible safe way to respond, so I broke the silence I had brought upon us.

Sorry, I meant to just think that? I just meant that I can, you know “change positions” in that way if you wanted to draw that. Alright, I’m going to shut up now before I dig any deeper.

Sheri still didn’t know what to say, but she had to say something. “Oh really, well I’ll have to think about that.”

“Yes Duncan! She’ll have to think about that,” Alex said. “Maybe check back with her in like, I don’t know, maybe two seconds?”

“Oh my god, Alex, you are cut off,” Sheri shook her head.

I wanted to change the subject. I asked them to do a tequila shot.

Sheri responded first on this, probably just as eager for a change of subject, “I’d love one,” she said. I don’t remember what Alex said, but she had one too.

The three of us were in a semi-circle around my kitchen island, leaning in towards each other with the shots we had just downed. We each had our side of the island, and it felt comforting to be covered up and have my privates out of eye-shot. Otherwise, it was intimate. We were facing each other and leaning in on the counter with the dimmed light, and a few candles on either side of my bamboo plant, withering at the center of us.

“So, Duncan, I’ve got questions,” Alex said.

“Oh god, this should be good,” Sheri said.

“Okay, perhaps you should ask them?” I said.

“I’m not going to ask,” Alex laughed. “But I have them.”

I was going to respond but had nothing good – just looked down at my empty shot glass. Then I became intensely aware of what I had done – that I had been naked, it gave me goosebumps.

“So Duncan,” Alex began.

“Yes?” I asked.

“Never mind.”

“What?” I asked.

“Should we do one more shot?” Alex asked. “Then that’s all for me, I have to chill so I can drive in a bit”

We did another shot after I made her promise to leave her car and take an UBER. We all stayed around the counter and talked about whatever. Nothing got wild until our third and final Tequila round.

Sheri was not as talkative as Alex – not very talkative at all, but she’d say something good usually where you’d not expect it. Alex was taking full advantage of her buzz, which was fun – I figured it was the only time I would ever see her so unfiltered. I was planning on getting dressed at some point, but with that third shot, I had reached a fairly comfortable level of “I don’t give a fuck.”

“So, Duncan?” Alex asked.


“You were naked,” Alex laughed.

“Yea, I know,” I said.

“No, I’m just saying.”

I didn’t know what she was saying but I knew the bar was closed for the evening.

“So that will be cool if you two can arrange a drawing session,” Alex said, repeating herself.

“Yea, for sure. Up to Sheri,” I said.

“We will, definitely,” Sheri said.

“I might like to see the drawings,” Alex said. “Especially if you all do that upright pose Duncan was talking about.”

Sheri and I looked at each other – commiserated with a shared chuckle. I felt a surge of connection with her, I wanted her.

“Yea might be interesting,” I said. “Although, if you draw me hard, maybe don’t show your husband. Maybe don’t show him regardless, unless he’s cool with it.

“He’d probably be fine, with just normal posing anyway. but I’ll probably keep it to myself just to avoid any issues,” Sheri said.

“or at least scale it down a bit,” Alex said.

I shook my head. (I loved it.)

Sheri surprised us both and one-upped Alexe, saying. “Scale down the best part? no way!”

(holy shit, go Sheri).

“Amen to that,” Alex said. “You’re quite blessed Duncan.”

“Yes,” Sheri said, then shied back away and looked down, gripping her glass of water.

“Seriously!” Alex said.

“Now I’m gonna get embarrassed,” I said.

“Forgive us,” Alex said. “Sheri’s probably never seen a guy that big in person.”

“Shut up,” Sheri said. “And you have?”

“God no,” Alex said, “not in person.”

— Caution to the Wind —

That was it, I’d kept to my corner but now they were talking about me like this.

I had the very beginning of an erection (swollen flaccid). I didn’t even know where I was heading, I just wanted to flaunt it.

“Really? you mean this?” I asked, as I pulled my towel open, and gave them a full flash. I guess that gave them the excuse they needed to finally take a good-long, direct look at me.

I rounded up the shot glasses and brought them to the sink. I tried to hear the two over the sound of the water, while I washed each glass and a couple of other dishes. They were talking softly – I could tell they didn’t want me to hear. When I finished and turned around back towards them, they stopped the conversation.

“What?” I asked. “What are you guys talking about?”

“Nothing,” Alex said. “Just talking.”

“Right,” I said, “Uncool.”

“Well if you must know,” Alex started, while Sheri tried to NOT look like she was trying to stop her from speaking.

“I was just asking Sheri if she was really going to come over and draw. Sheri said she wants to and probably will. And she said that she wants to.” Alex paused for a moment while Sheri shook her head “no” at her. “She said she’d love to draw you hard but could never ask you to pose like that. I told her now that you’ve offered, she has to take you up on it. I asked her if she wanted me to ask you, and that’s when you interrupted us. There, I asked him Sheri.”

“Yes Alex, I heard,” Sheri said. “Thank you so much.”

“I said I would,” I replied.

“Seriously? You think you’d be able to pose that way?” Alex asked.

“Alex, don’t embarrass the poor guy,” Sheri said, but it sounded more like, “don’t embarrass me.”

“Sorry, I’m just asking,” Alex said.

“I probably could only pose hard for a bit, maybe twenty minutes or less, not sure.”

“That’s so interesting,” Alex said. “So, you would… I mean, if she wanted to draw you like that, you would just..?

“Think myself hard, and pose, I guess,” I said.

“Think yourself hard, that’s it?” Alex asked.

“Yup,” I said.

“Interesting,” Alex said. “And how long would that take?”

“A few minutes probably,” I said. “I dunno. Do you want me to try now and we can find out?”

(Alex’s drilling down on the topic drew it out of me. I swear, I hadn’t planned on offering to do it)

“Right now?” Alex asked.

“I guess, sure, if you want. If I know you’re both okay with it.

They looked at each other and conducted some sort of negotiation in a silent, best-friend vernacular that I couldn’t interpret.

Alex cautiously announced their consensus. “Fine, go for it?”

I leaned against the far kitchen counter and they turned around towards me – they looked not quite sure if something was happening. Their backs were now to the island that we had been huddled around. Nobody said anything. I told them I had to concentrate.

They were silent. I didn’t even know if they were still looking because my eyes were closed. I started imagining Alex taking off her shirt; then about Sheri staring at me and drawing, and then about a friend I visited on my way to Denver earlier this year – the somewhat see-through shirt she was wearing one night. That got the ball rolling. The towel was weighing down my progress. After a minute or two of being stalled about halfway, I pulled my towel off and dropped it to the floor, explaining that it was making things difficult. The rest of the way was easier. They both had a few responses as I got closer to full erection, but I only think about what Sheri said. “Holy shit,” she blurted out after keeping cool up until then. When I heard her say that, I opened my eyes and saw her looking right at my hard dick. Alex was watching too, I watched her facial expression.

Sheri’s comment was all I needed to get the rest of the way hard – pounding hard, with both of them watching everything.

Their reactions compelled me to continue – I didn’t know if I’d keep going until I came, but I was too aroused to stop and too curious to see what would happen. I was scanning around my mind for something even more arousing to think about. My co-worker Alex and I made eye contact. From the look she gave me, I think she was more turned on than she was letting on in front of her friend. I made some progress and felt the beginning of an orgasm approaching.

Alex had her hand over her mouth.

My build-up to orgasm had started. When I felt like I had reached the point of no return, I said out loud, “I’m going to cum.” I shot out undirected- one shot landed on Sheri’s shirt, I wanted to apologize, but we both pretended we didn’t see it happen. After the spurts, I finally used my hand to finish things out. It was all done in well under ten minutes. There followed another bit of silence – I mean, what in the hell had just happened? How in the hell did it happen?

I got dressed not long after, then got them an UBER. Nobody had a whole lot to say, but it didn’t feel weird or uncomfortable – they didn’t seem bothered either. Think we were all processing and thinking. Plus, we were turned on, all of us. I waited on the street with them until their ride came.

My co-worker came over a few weeks later. I was a little hesitant to risk more involvement with someone I work with, but I hadn’t spoken much to either of them and was wanting to know what they had thought and said about it. Apparently Alex and Sheri hadn’t talked about it.

Alex felt a little embarrassed, but after we had a kiss, she relaxed and shared some of her thoughts. In a nutshell, the experience turned her on big time, although she avoided confessing it that bluntly.

I’ve texted back and forth with Sheri – wasn’t sure if she would ever come over. It’s been been a little tricky, logistically, for her to make it happen, but, she finally came over today. It’s been around six weeks since the last and first time I saw her.

I wasn’t super enthused about the posing part, but excited about the rest. I’m not sure Sheri was much more enthused about doing the drawing. I get the sense that she too just wants to break up the monotony and say “fuck it,” to stoke some chaos and see what happens. I felt like I had monkey brains as the time drew near for her to come over. How would Sheri handle the situation? Would she want to draw me for a long time? Would she be close or far? Would she actually come over and go through with it? Will she be shyer or more open without her friend Alex here with her? Is there any chance in hell that she’d actually request that I pose hard for her? Many things I wondered. Today, after she got here with the answers, many new questions were rendered.

I feel like I say this a lot, but it’s true, I doubt any of this would have happened had we all not been drinking. I would have gotten naked if they asked me to, even sober, but they’d have never asked. Today Sheri saw me nude once again. This time we both were completely sober and it was awesome.

Okay my birthday. Haven’t even told God about this, but here you go.

June birthday – this one is safer to tell than the other thing that happened since Covid hit us – since I stopped writing.

It was my birthday, I was at a large bar/venue with some friends – one of them was playing in the band that night. I was probably not sitting in for a song or two, but I brought my ax in case.

I ran into this girl I work with – she was with an older (friend 45 vs my 36 coworker). I had never met her friend nor had I ever ran into my co-worker outside of work. The friend and I hit it off – not romantically per se – because she was married, but she was an artist like I had been – there was just a connection and attraction – and we had a lot in common.

My co-worker is pretty cool and nice looking too, but I work with her, so we didn’t even bother flirting. The friend wanted to see my art, and somehow we cooked up an impossible plan for her to come over later and see my art that night. (note – none of us were sober from the start).

The complicated part was that the “friend” didn’t want my co-worker to know if she came over – I guess because she was married? Maybe other reasons too? (I don’t know for sure, but at the time, I appreciated that there could be multiple valid reasons). It was pretty much a done deal by the time I left the bar, but somehow the friend spilled the beans to my co-worker (about our plans) and it fouled things up.

After that, I assumed the whole plan was a no-go and headed home by way of a drunken taco stop w/ a couple of friends (a married couple) who were driving me home. But then I received a text telling me she was still coming over – (it made me pause to check my phone -taco plate in hand) – but the girl I work with would be (insisted upon) coming also.

They came over and we all continued drinking. While talking about the art, we got talking about my nudes and the models; how, who, and why they posed for me, and how I’d posed nude for a life drawing course and for a grad student when I was in college.

I told them I liked it (in as many words as I could without telling them that I really liked it). Why is it that nude art (and nudity) fascinate us all? My co-worker asked if I’d have the guts to do it now (pose nude at my age.) Skeptical, she asked (theoretically) if I’d pose nude for her friend (artist). It was just a flirty challenge to my claim of being so chill about the nudity thing. For no good reason other than to one-up her in shock value, I answered her question and said the friend could use my supplies and draw me right then.

At that point they were really doubting me & I got naked to prove I’d do it (intending ONLY to prove I would do it). I ended up coming while BOTH WATCHED – to COMPLETION. That should give the married friend a little something to think about? The saving grace is that I can be pretty sure my co-worker will never speak a word of it – her part was scandalous enough in all of this.

This is the “bullet-point” version of the story. If people find this situation interesting, there are details I could write about – how this crazy thing happened – how we all responded – what has happened since.

I’ve held on to this since the end of June. Have to tell someone, so I guess I’ve told everyone.

What do they say? “I was feeling cute so I posted this, might delete?”

Whatever, such happenings belong to the world.

Thank you

Theater of Mind – Performance of Our Lives

We begin our play on stage as an actor in the moment, center stage, before we have yet built a theater around us. There is not even a seat for our own selves at first, from which we can view the self performing – see ourselves – become both actor and audience – experience consciousness. We are born in the moment with no self awareness.

When we let someone else see our perspective and of self, we admit what we are aware of – to do so is to take responsibility for our acting – to show how honest we are being with ourselves. If we cannot look someone in the eye – we are not yet comfortable with the full self that we are aware of – we don’t want to acknowledge that we see how we are acting – the acting isn’t true to the play and we don’t want to give away that we are aware of it. You won’t see a child or unaware person afraid to look you in the eye, because they cannot see – are not aware of their performance enough to be embarrassed by it.

As we grow we build our theater, adding isles and rows, seats, out of the different points and perspectives of self we discover. The farthest rows are discovered first and then closer rows as we see ourselves closer up and more clearly. We open our theater to others who can view us from the seats added so far – we are shy about letting others near, or closer, than as close as we have first been able to preview ourselves from. Why are some teenagers who are growing and changing rapidly so shy for a while? Are they adding rows and seats faster than they have time to sufficiently review and refine their performance from? Do we need time to review, understand and accept new realizations of self before we can feel comfortable opening up the new, deeper views for others to see?

Why does eye contact seem to be a special connection? Does it assign us a seat in someone’s theater? Does it show us from which row and isle, and which seat another is viewing their own performance from? Does it simply let us know how close to their stage we’ve been placed – how self conscious they are –  how true of view they’re allowing us? How honest? Can it even help people lock onto the same isle and row, each in their own theaters – the same distance from their stages – the same level of consciousness – capture the same volume of moment – share the moment?

This concludes the first act, our prologue — please feel free to enjoy some refreshments and discuss, and the next two acts will be presented shortly.